Seattle, Washington A Day of Ill Portent

Myriad omens and harbingers have manifested in recent hours, such as will now be enumerated:

1. Bavarian ski jumper Klaus Von Schlitzberg spontaneously dematerialized moments after this photo was taken.


All that landed were his skis.

2. Fishermen in the antarctic encountered Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, also known as the colossal squid. It was the largest specimen ever recorded; with eyes the size of dinner plates, razor-sharp hooks at the end of each tentacle pad, and a ravenous beak large enough to consume an entire human head. They immediately issued a statement declaring it to be the most adorable thing you ever saw.


3. The NASA space probe, New Horizons, while performing a Jupiter gavity assist, snapped a photo of Europa’s surface revealing, unmistakably, the winning smile of David Hasselhoff.


This can only mean one thing. Today is not the day to post the outtakes video.

I have consulted Seattle’s most respected holistic phrenologist and he assures me tomorrow looks much more promising.


Apologies for the inconvenience.