I get a lot of email from Canadians asking me to dance in their homeland — 15 in the last week to be exact. I seem to have offended them.
I apologize to all of you in the great state of Canadia. Please understand that I have every intention of visiting soon. I haven’t yet managed a prolonged stay, largely because you are not on the way to anywhere…except the North Pole…and Siberia. I recognize that you have many many beautiful things to see and dance in front of, as well as several fine cities worth exploring. And you have a place called Saskatoon, which is pretty much all it takes to get me interested.
I’d also like to compliment your progressive social agenda and fine health care system. You’re a bittersweet reminder of what my country could be like if we weren’t a bunch of terrified, gun-crazy weirdos.
…kidding about that…
I have no desire to be hated by Canadians the way they hate me in Guam.
I ultimately decided that having death wished upon me by the inhabitants of a tiny island in the exact, geographical middle of nowhere isn’t such a bad thing. It builds character. But in this case, there is no vast body of water for me to hide behind. I am easily accessible to Canadians, and what with their reputation as a fiery and vengeful people, I know I must choose my words and actions carefully.
I’ve been watching with great interest as my mini-biography is shaped by random contributors. The initial entry was concise and fairly unbiased. Subsequent alterations have varied from irritating to chillingly well-researched to embarrassing. Yes, the open-source encyclopedia concept is a double-edged sword.
I confess I made a tiny editing pass to clarify a few dates. I’ll try to restrain myself from now on, as I find it unbecoming, but I hope you can sympathize with how alarming it is to watch strangers tinker around all willy-nilly with the details of my existence.
This post will no-doubt prompt more of that, so don’t be surprised if the above link leads to a summarization that is less-than-Brittanica-esque.
In discovering myself on Wiki, I was also alerted to the dire circumstances of my internet-video-making brethren. Our track record is about on par with former child actors, with results such as abject humiliation and even, tragically, institutionalization.
There are some key differences that set me apart, though. For one thing, I’m a lot older than those guys, so being globally mocked for my lack of dancing ability isn’t quite as devastating. For another, my video doesn’t elicit the same, "That guy is an idiot!" reaction. What I get is more like, "I’m really jealous of that idiot!" — which is easier to cope with.
I’m getting on a plane in a few hours. I can’t say much about where I’m going or what I’m up to, but I’m very excited about it. There are definitely upsides to all this attention. So far I’ve managed to ride the wave and avoid letting it crash on my head, knock me unconscious, poke me in the eye with my own surf board, and fill my nether regions with sand.
…I like to see my metaphors through to their conclusion.